*Bing* This is your captain speaking. We are approaching our circumnaavigation of the sun. Estimated time will be Sunday afternoon. All systems seem to be going according to plan. Should be a smooth ride. Thank you for your patients, have a good flight. *bing*
Based on last nights overnighter under the stars, most of my annual rituals are early in celebrating. Now comes time for the reflecting phase. There has been much growth that has happened since last year. Every day I continue to be more comfortable in my own skin, on a physical, social, and mental level.
I know what it takes to hit that right balance between weight and self esteem. As sadistic as my tendencies may come off, I know where to draw the line in regard to being thin and nourished. This is nothing all that new. I can remember approaching weight loss in a more aggressive way. That had its place, back when I had a different mindset on what I wanted to do with my life. Without sounding like complete masturbation, I am satisfied with my appearance and now find pleasure in taking a little time out of my day to look at myself. If only to see how I have aged and how my biological age related to my physical appearance.
This year specifically I have seen many changes in my views on the world, the people around me, and the language I use to communicate with others. Recent reads have taught me that while it is perfectly normal to have a basic understanding of where you stand on particular topics, the balance between that and a humble versatility keeps us evolving as individuals. I have had to really check myself and ask just why I feel the way I do. Recently things have been centered around why things provoke such a heightened response in social settings. Whether it was a lack of basic grammar, a lack of thought in why others feel the way they do about certain current events, or the overuse of the word, “like.” Not to say that those feelings have been eliminated altogether, moreso the reaction is less heightened and continues to remain on a steadier level than previously. Fewer spikes, smoother rides.
On a similar note, listening to what others are trying to communicate has been pushed towards the front of my radar and it continues to be a learning experience day by day. A big thing I have begun to notice is that people will open up to you in a more organic way if you give them enough space to do so. I personally have my friends and the person whom I am with to thank for that. I think I can speak for most of them in that one quality they share is allowing for their peers to simply be themselves with little to no ridicule when certain behaviors would be bombarded with question asking and explanation request, alienating and harassing the person when all they wanted to do was share something about their lives. I have to pick and choose whom I share certain things with as to not tire myself out from overexlaining something we clearly are receiving something on different wavelengths. No longer feel obligated to explain in detail why I chose to paint my toenails, enjoyed, the new Womder Woman movie, or my faith (or lack thereof) to others. Even if asked, everyone is on a case by case basis to the type of response they will get. And the best part is, I feel little to no guilt for doing so.
People are people, and wish to be treated as so. Sounds like broad strokes, but when approached initially in this broad type of way, can unlock a lot about all parties. Let people be themselves and you will be rewarded in some way, shape, or form.
All that being said, looking ahead, I feel as though I have a better and clearer understanding of how I will approach the years to come. I have never had more than a two year goal and don’t think I ever will. Mid-term goals are about as far in advance as I go, and even then, things get about just as broad as let people be people. The best part is a no longer feel the existential, nihilistic guilt that comes with the human condition. That’s not entirely true. The guilt is still there, its just been re shaped and reduced by a significant amount. In letting go of a lot of things that used to concern me, I am not as stressed or fatigued as I used to be.
One final though(s) that has occurred is the future of annual traditions. I used to hold my birthday near and dear to my heart. Recently that has been lessened and has be questioning whether I want to make a celebration out of it. I’m not suggesting that I will now be ageless (too hippi-dippi for even me.) Wonder if I am going to end up on such a neutral level, I have a difficult time deciding what is with my time and effort. As of now, many things have gotten the volume turned down. I am taking all of this in stride and hope to follow the trend to see where it leads. Still I wonder if I will be able to rattle off a list of things I care about.
After about ten seconds of thought I can say with confidence that I already have a handful of things I feel still are worthy of my attention and effort. I might not be able to verbalize them on command, but if you happen to be one of those people, or are adjacent to one of Those things, it will be unquestionably obvious and will (in my head) not require formal recognition. And it damn sure won’t require any explaination, unless the mood calls for explaining. Those are my thoughts. Going to continue to ride this camping train while slowly completing my runaway kit so I can appropriate transient culture for my own selfish gain. Bikes are still cool and I look forward to flying my own unattached flag in the fall months when the time comes to hit the dirt once again.
Until next time….