Wolf on the Steps

In the recent months, I have noticed I no longer have the strong feelings I once did for things that would normally interest me. What would seem like a “Fun night out on the town” no longer appeals to me. I feel out of place when I am out at bars, drinking and pretending to be enjoying myself. I do not feel like I have spent enough “Me-time.” On the optimistic side of things, the things that still interest me have become more concentrated and focused upon.

These past few months have been really confusing times for me. I keep thinking that something must be wrong with me. “Why don’t you like interacting with other like you used to? Why don’t you take the time to get to know others and expand your inner-circle of friends?” I often ask myself these things, but never really have the time to sit down and think about my recent behaviors. In an attempt to analyze the way I have been acting, my self-sufficient attitude has become more and more visible in my everyday life. With the current classes I am taking (especially my sociology class) I am learning a lot about me as a person and the things I truly care about.

Sociology presents itself as “The Blame Game” to me. It is a very self-reliant, stress creator. When discovering all the unfair things that go about in our everyday lives, I have concluded that their are only two genuine responses towards all our life’s social issues:

  1. Becoming hyper-involved with as many issues as possible. Pointing out the culprit whether it be big or small. Then finally with knowing about all that is wrong in the world as a result from being involved, having to live your life knowing the thousands of negative things that effect us as a species.
  2. Becoming ignorant to the issues at hand. Not wanting to change & simply accepting things the way they are. Whether it be a fair or an unfair, people would just rather not know about all of the issues that effect us both directly & indirectly.

Both of these approaches have their pro’s & cons. I personally don’t feel like I fit in neither category. I do not wish to overwhelm myself with the burden of recognizing ever single negative thing that exists in this world. On the other hand, I do not wish to simply stand by idle and become a sheep in society. Yes, I do feel that there needs to be radical change in this world. Yes there are hundreds upon thousands of things that we as citizens can do to recognize & change the way business is conducted on this planet. However if there was a way to place all of our issues & possible solutions on a giant list, no one would know where to start & become discouraged & apathetic.

I am a strong believer of changing yourself in order to change those around you. As mentioned before, I also have developed a strong, self-sufficient attitude. So as a result of all of this, things like fundraising for my upcoming week-long summer bike vacation have become less appealing for me. For those of you who do not know, I have registered to ride my bicycle from Sam Fransisco to Los Angeles over the course of seven days to help those living with the AIDS virus. If you would like to make a donation to help me in reaching my goal, please feel free to do so, your support is greatly appreciated. www.tofighthiv.org/goto/dfj One of the first things people may ask as to why I am losing interest in this cause is:

  • Q. “Do you not think you can raise the money in time?”

A.Yes, this has become an issue with me. Both an issue of ability and principle. I have set a goal of three-thousand dollars to reach by June third. I am about ten percent towards my goal and although it is possible to still do, my principles are conflicting. I know  that the money I am fundraising is going to those other than myself, but I still do not like asking people for money. I recognize & understand that this money is going to a truly positive cause, but the idea of marketing towards my close friends makes me feel very unclean inside. So the objective of raising a large amount of money & asking the people around me, both friends and strangers, for this money does not rest well with me.

  •  Q. “So if you were somehow able to get the remaining money raised by tomorrow, would you still participate in the ride?”

A. Perhaps. As I mentioned before, the daunting act of raising this amount of money has really made me lose a lot of mental steam to continue on. If everything was paid for, I would most likely still participate.

With my schedule of full-time school, work and recent races I have not found the time to really stop & think about why am I involved with this. This event really involves everyone to giving a tremendous amount of effort to reach a common goal. This is not the same as simply donating blood. Donating blood involves about a hour of your time, is free, and is regenerated in a matter of weeks. In realizing how much I must go out of my way to raise this money, I find myself asking “Why are you doing this?” It pains me to not have a real reason.By me not having a genuine, heart-felt reason, I lose the drive to press on. Sure I can easily say that I want a seven day bike vacation, paid for by someone else, but then I come off as a selfish jerk. If I want a seven day bike vacation, I don’t have to sign up for this cause to do so. I could probably do the same thing for a lot cheaper too. There has got to be another reason….

This conflict does not rest well with me. I really feel like something is wrong. I feel I am becoming cold & bitter inside. I don’t like hanging out with my friends the same way I used to. I no longer want to contribute to a cause that helps people living with AIDS. A few months ago I sent an upset email to the Fred Jordan Mission saying that I no longer wish to receive further notifications for upcoming events such as feeding the homeless on skid row because I did not agree with what their mission statement was aimed towards. I feel a real hermit phase approaching in my life. I need time to be alone to truly reflect & realize what my indirect goals are. I don’t know what to make of all this, but I want to see where all of these new feelings are leading me towards.

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