Have you ever felt like you’re making all the right moves in progression of your life and suddenly don’t feel satisfied at the end? I may or may not have worded this question in the correct context, but my point will present itself soon. Now that the spring semester is finished for me, I should be feeling a sense of accomplishment and relief. Deep down inside, I must feel that way, but the feeling is not as strong as I (or my peers) make it out to be. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I am face with an inevitable obstacle that approaches at the end of the year.
My significant other will be finishing school by the end of this year, and I will be just about half-way finished with my academic responsibilities. Her major gives her the opportunity to travel, and if offered the opportunity, I am told that she is going to take it. I have always feared this type of scenario and I clearly mention this during year 1. The fear of us separating due to my lack of academic progress. Before she was in the picture, I dreaded the same scenario since freshman year of high school. I have a re-occurring paranoia of being left behind by my peers. Since I have chosen to surround myself with a group of friends that are greater than three years older than me, it has become a bit of a blur as to where I am, compared to that of my peers. Since she decided to go to college immediately after high school, I have set her as the standard.
As much as I want to finish school for my own satisfaction & to continue to be with the one I am with now, I do not find it very likely for us to continue to be together if a career presents itself far far away from southern California. Just the other day she told me that she didn’t think that I wanted to finish school, and that since I didn’t want to genuinely be in school that I should no longer continue pursuing an education. She feels that my priorities are not in order and that if I truly wanted to finish school, I would cut out other things like working less and cutting back on cycling. As much as I admire her opinions and support, it truly hurt me inside when I heard this news. It feels as though a rug was thrown out from under me. The loneliness really blossoms when thoughts of the one you care about not believing you when you tell them the things you wish to do with your life.
I understand her point of view when she tells me that if I really wanted to do something, that I should focus more on it, and less to other things around me. This is a very good strategy and for some scenarios, I am able to follow it. However for an academic setting, I need something to balance myself out so I do not stress myself out more than necessary. She did not quite understand this when I mentioned it to her since she has no genuine hobbies. She goes to school, and puts a lot of focus on her academics. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, except receiving phone calls from her regarding how stressed out she becomes. Hearing how she is unable to go back to sleep at the thought of upcoming assignments is a really discouraging to hear when your path draws nearer and nearer to the same point in school. She told me it is going to take me forever to graduate and that she might be long gone by the time that comes.
All of that may be true and the most logical reason she has to be telling me this is simply as a warning. As I sit here at my desk, I try and rationalize that even if I did cut out all the things she said to, she would still be finished years before me. The nursing program I wish to join is two years long, and she is going to be done with school in the next six months. There are plenty of variables that could come into play later down the line & who knows, we may still be together for a very very long time. This recent scenario just keeps presenting itself and looks more and more like foreshadowing.
“All of this speculating is really draining on me, and goes against my dreading on the inevitable taboo”
I called my mom today to wish her a happy birthday. She thanked me and accepted my apology for not being able to see her today due to work. She is coming along in her life, and being a very strong single mother. She really gives me strength to press on in my life. Today over the phone she told me she woke up sad and that she missed her parents. She told me it feels weird when it is your birthday and neither of your parents are there to be there for it.
This is one of the deepest things I have heard from her in years. I already don’t feel very close to my parents, but the thought of having them no longer on this planet, and the chance of the one you love no longer being a part of your life is, depressing. I feel distant from a lot of people at this time in my life. Deep down inside I find a sense of comfort being on my own, but at the same time I feel the need to connect with others. I simply feel like I am challenged with those whom I choose to start new bonds with (in that I am really picky).
The semester is now over. I am almost certain I have passed all of my classes with adequate grades. I am taking advanced cardiac life support classes beginning next week. I hope to get a job in a hospital setting once these classes are finished. There is a chance my EMT certificate will lapse, and I will no longer be able to work until I receive it in the mail. I will continue to press on and try and keep from being overwhelmed with the issues I am faced with. I will try my best to stop feeling sorry for myself. I can change the outcome of things, I have greatness within. Happy birthday mom