I had a movie date last night with a “free spirit” of a fiend. We spoke about our lives, and it was revealed that as eclectic as I consider myself, I live a very narrow and sad life.
Cycling does have very many perks, but living in Los Angeles is both a gift and a curse. A gift due to the eclectic environments that all come together in one city. A curse because people take this city for all that there is in the world. Once I let it be known that I have not left California in my entire life, I felt an emptiness sink deep within my being.
I feel very attached to the city. And since I was raised by parents with no genuine aspiration to travel, or see the world from different ends, I never gained the momentum to do the same. Having just realized all of my misses opportunities, I find myself more and more embarrassed that my life has taken place inside a single county.
Growing up requires a lot of very painful realizations. Like your parents no longer being the god-like figure you expected them to be for the rest of your life. Like your parents showing human emotions like worry, uncertainty, and even showing defeat to overcome or change. These passed few months I have had these thoughts nearly every single day. Having realized all of this creates a burden deep inside.
The emotional growing pains hurt a lot more than the physical ones. I cannot help but feel that my life has been within a comfort zone, which prevents real growth from happening. I keep telling myself I am going to one day branch out and do big things, but I have an ugly habit of returning to familiar, embarrassing habits.
I have been disconnecting myself from the family. I find it painful that they have lived a ritualistic lifestyle, and are struggling to still exist. I find that it is harming me in my own personal growth and feel shackled by the weights of bad decisions made before my coming. I try and not leave such melancholic thoughts in my head for too long (they are very acidic thoughts.) The more and more I am finding out about myself, the more I think of how things could have been better.
There is nothing to drink alone tonight that will numb my thoughts so I need to embrace them, and let them pass. Here’s to hoping for a better tomorrow.