My mind wanders a lot when I’m driving. You (and I both) think that it would happen while on the bike, but it is the exact opposite. When I am on the bike, I have a strong sense of focus and connectivity with myself, and my surroundings. When I am behind the wheel, my mind goes off into far away places.
In between the constant questioning of why people make the certain driving decisions they do, I think about other humans and their own social and biological behaviors. In my everlasting quest of self-discovery I’ve noticed that I pay more attention to people’s actions and traits in hopes to find ones that feel most comfortable. While in this state of limbo I am facing a lonely phase in life. Call it whatever you want, but I am learning more and more about myself though individual actions.
The cynic in me keeping coming back to the conclusion of segregation and individual loneliness. It keeps coming back to that stereotypical melancholic train of thought that I can’t seem to shake. I don’t like thinking this way, but at the same time I would rather have it this way than my head off into space, fooling myself into some fabricated fantasy.
I like my down-to-earth approach to life’s issues. I try and remain as impartial as possible, and see things from both ends.
This state of limbo and self-discovery is a difficult one. But there is a big part of me that is curious to see what is up ahead. A perfect example would be like today’s ride. When the going gets tough, and we still have enough strength to mentally push through our thresholds, the outcome is surprising. It is curiosity that drives our determination to overcome obstacles. Now when you combine those emotions with the physical aspect of cycling, it can be a truly euphoric experience.
So it seems that I am doing what I did today on the bike, with the rest of my everyday social life. And having realized what exactly was on my mind, I feel an immediate weight lifted from me.
It is late, and I should be getting to bed. Although I have noticed that I am eating and sleeping less, I try and keep things regular, or at least the same as they have been. The curious side of me wants to see how long I can make this last. Im going to see my mother tomorrow and hope that I can gather another piece of myself in the process. Good night all.