Love-capablity

Over the past few weeks I have decided to take a break from all intimate relationships both short and long term. In those same recent weeks I have been asked by separate people from different walks of my life on whether or not I’ve been in love before. When asked on an individual basis, I didn’t think much of the question. But now that more people are coincidentally asking the same type of questions, it makes me wonder if I am showing some type of behavior that is different from what I verbally respond with.

Just the other day I got another letter from my uncle. He let me know they were off of their lockdown status and he could receive packages from people, which he immediately asked if I could order him some items for his extended stay behind bars. This was a fraction of the cost from the two hundred dollars I spent earlier in the year, so I’ll probably send it to him once pay day comes. Then in the last paragraphs of his letter he asks if I was ever in love with my ex. Whether or not I felt her love, did it make me feel joyful, did I feel complete, did I feel like nothing could enhance the feelings I got when we were together.

When I first got this letter I didn’t quite put all the pieces together from my other friends who were interested in this part of my life. I got an email this morning from someone I used to be with asking if my recent decisions and things I’ve said were because I do not know how to love. Looking back, I handled that situation very childishly. Just being passive and blowing things off in hopes that everyone will forget what had happened and we would move on with our lives.

This email was the spark that ignited me looking inside myself and searching for an answer to everyone’s questions (including some I have formed on my own.)

To refer back to the letter from my uncle, did I feel joyful with her, yes. There is no doubt that I felt happy when we were together. Was I so happy that I felt complete and that nothing could top the happiness I was feeling at the time, no. To try and put things into perspective, I was happy, just not euphorically happy. A piece of the self-fulfilment puzzle felt put together but not entirely. Does this by default mean that I haven’t been in love? I cannot say. I thought all was going well when something unexplainable changed inside of me. Its as though love came into my life then one day went with the wind. The relationship felt like things were dragging out in the final months. Things needed to change and I finally make the executive decision to be unattached.

The feeling of wanting to be unattached was the right thinking, but since love at one point was in my life, I felt like I needed to replace that with something (or in my case, someone else.)

This lead to all the events leading up to which the sender of that email sent. There were a lot of questions asked about why my last relationship didn’t work out and what was the reason we kept communicating and why I behaved in such a reserved and less affectionate way. Things were said that weren’t entirely explain or entirely truthful. If you asked me why I said what I said when I said it, I would have said something silly like “things felt right at the time.” I know this is another childish action and I am wrong for feeling that way.

Using my best judgement I was trying to fill that newly lost piece of the puzzle with something else that felt like a better fit. Things went over a lot smoother and I still managed to mess things up and feel the need to escape. Maybe relationships and love aren’t for me. Maybe everyone’s suspicions that I do not know how to show genuine affection for others was true. I’m not good at maintaining intimate relationships. A lot of people end up being hurt in the process and I have no one to blame but myself. Past experiences and my current isolated status has made that very clear.

I can remember a time when I was in my longer term relationship. I had gotten to the point that I was considering marriage and repopulating. There was one point when I wanted children and a family of my own. With this time alone that feeling, just like love has come and gone. I could consider a life without offspring of my own. The weird part is I don’t feel bad about it. I used to feel strongly about that; and now I don’t. If you were to ask me if I missed being in a relationship, the first thing I would probably tell you is no. As much fun as I had and as happy as I felt at one point, I do not miss it.

It is with this time alone that I have realized I have a lot of self reflecting to do that have caused problems when I try to bring someone else in the picture. I need an extended period of time to myself to figure out who I am and what I want with my life. I need time to further develop that aspect. There is something about giving myself (as unsure of myself as I am) to someone else that scares me. I don’t think I’m ready for an intimate relationship right now. Past relationships have shown I don’t have what it takes.

As of right now, progress is continuing to me made. I am able to look within myself and figure out why I am the way I am. It is because I am able to do this under these circumstances that I do not want to break my current routine. I went out to dinner with a friend from high school a week ago. We reacquainted and got an idea for the people we have become since that point in our lives. We hit things off well and it was good catching up with an old acquaintance but when she followed up with me on future outings and future plans, I honestly felt no interest in that. Dinner was enjoyable, but I did not wish to continue on. My new routine has lead me to some real self discoveries and I want to avoid distractions from this. Just last night my co worker asked when we were going to hang out. Could I have set a day aside to interact with others off the bike? Yes. But as soon as he finished speaking, deep down I knew that the chances of that happening were slim to none.

I am still under the impression that we need to better ourselves before we can better those around us. It is clear that I am not ready to better those around me. So until that day comes (if it ever comes) I will try my best to stick with my routine in hopes for one day obtaining the spiritual self-realization that we as the human race so eagerly seek.

-dfj

 

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