Ghost day(s)

If anyone has known me longer than a day, they would know me and my attempts at stitching my own figurative cut of cloth from the rest. My recent abstinence from conventional trends, and my compulsive emotional imbalances. This is who I am and this is what defines me. I have some emotional baggage that I am living with day by day. We all have our good days and not so good days and I find pleasure in both the good and the bad. Why are we starting off on such a deep topic?

I am coming up with an answer to one of my most asked questions, birthday or not. Usually when that time rolls around I find myself asking, “What are you doing with your life? What do you have to show for the time you’ve spent on this planet?” After taking an inventory of accomplishments, that same question-asking self is never impressed. This is something I am living with, and am growing more comfortable with. Developing my character is what I have to show for twenty four years spent. Identifying clear goals in life. Getting rid of unrealistic hopes to be the type of person I clearly am not. Having the ability to let my self get down in the dumps, running through the motions, then coming back to my normal self esteem and sense of worth.  Questioning why people do what they do and considering the other side of the argument before jumping on the bandwagon. This mindset is what I have to show for my time spent. That and two nice bikes (soon to be three or more.) Now that the question has been answered….

Whats next?

I started talking to someone the other day. What shocked me the most is how comfortable this person was with talking to a stranger (myself.) Right from the start I got this sense of comfort it would normally take someone weeks to tap into. She was willing and able to meet in a short amount of time. She was comfortable with decision making, as well as sharing a lot about herself. What stood out to me the most is the effort that was put in to things I wanted to do and her wanting to get on my good side & in my good graces. Mind you, this came very quickly and paid off tremendously.

Having not dealt with a character so strong in a long time, I pulled back the shocked and questionable natural reaction and went with it. We met for dinner, a place she suggested that without very many details given (except for my herbivorous eating habits) that was right up my alley. Usually after sharing that I am vegan, that tends to make or break the future of the relationship. Very few are up to catering to that. Not only that, after I showed how excited I was, she too was proud and happy I liked her suggestion (on the first try.)

Things never got weird. The conversation stayed fluid and productive. Things began to take a dip into the negative realm when I started talking about my parents, but we worked through it and no tears were shed. All throughout dinner it felt like I was happy to have come across a place as hip atmosphere and she was equally as happy that I enjoyed it so much. To be able to have put something together on such quick notice still blows my mind.

Once dinner was over it was my turn to share a place the other hadn’t been to before. We ended up stopping at this cool bar not too far away. A well kept place that didn’t reek of cigarettes or obnoxious people. We sat by the fireplace, ordered drinks, and talked. None of that fake first date talk either. Real sincere conversation that didn’t require those awkward first steps to get to. Here I am trying not to get too excited, thinking this is too good to be true. We made it back home in one piece and parted ways shortly after midnight. No sexual tension, just good company.

The realist in my head had it’s own monologues throughout the entire date that was separate from the above mentioned thoughts and talks. I ended up having to remind myself that these are all signs that somebody cares about you.

“Yes it is happening fast, but it’s not weird (trust me) and you can’t screw this up with your emotional apprehension and uneasiness.”

I’ve done this before and I still think about the mistakes made.

“These are all signs that the date is going well. She’s into you and deep down inside you like her too.”

I’m not sure why I end up with strangers on the big day. The past few years have turned out the same. Going on dates with strangers in new parts of town. I don’t like to be with too many family members on birthdays. The amount of happy emotions that are involved in wishing someone a happy birthday is too big of a shift in a short amount of time. So much so, that I have to find ways to avoid people to try and balance things out. In a perfect world, if I don’t have real plans on birthdays I want to be left alone. I want to be a ghost for a day. Just coming and going as I please, like its just another ordinary day. I know it’s supposed to be a special time for celebration, but I feel more comfortable striking a balance by keeping things mellow and on my own.

Maybe I don’t want to be on the level of happiness as everyone wishing me a best wishes is. When I’m with a big group of people I certainly feel obligated to act that way. Then all of a sudden things are out of my control, I am no longer enjoying myself, and I need to find a quiet place to get away from everyone. Just an old soul living inside a young adults body.

Normally on birthdays I find a tall hill to climb up. A place with a good view overlooking the city where I can reflect on who I have become. along with not working, I’ve done this for the past few years and both conditions will be broken this year. Two things I am fine with at this time. I get to reflect on my thoughts here on the internet and I only work for the last four hours of the big day. No new goals have been added to the list. No sense of pride for being the age I am. No serious worries as to the direction my life is headed. Just another ghost day for yours truley.

-dfj

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