Keep Calm

It’s happened again. Once again I’ve my inner skeptic at work on the subject of my newest relationship. In the past I have let my thoughts get the best of me when encountering someone who I connect with and develop great chemistry. Things just creep into my head when the times start to get intimate, or shortly afterwards. It’s as if my body is aware that changes are soon to come, and it wants things to stay the way they are. These miniscule imperfections become clearly visible and while part of me could be convinced that these things are worth breaking things off for, another part of me knows that this will pass. While  it’s good to catch some red flags early into things, the yellow flags were enough for me to abandon ship. I don’t know how many times I’ve let good ones go just because I saw one or two qualities about a person I didn’t like and justified them as my sole reasons for leaving.

Why the hell does this happen to me? I know we as a species are social creatures. I know we need to interact with one another whether they be human or not. I know this because solitary confinement is a punishment that leaves people physically, mentally, and emotionally damaged. We all would love the company of a significant other. If not to procreate then to have a warm body to embrace us no matter what state we happen to be in at the time. So with that being said, why do we negate this in order to remain in a normal and unchanged state? I go from having a great time to some sobering realization of negative things that may come. Sometimes this is enough to get me to reconsider entirely.

I went to a job interview today. If I get this job, I’ll have the same job title as I do now, just at a different location, with a shift in job duties. The money isn’t significantly higher, but the company is more established and appears to be more respectful to their employees. I’ve been dealing with some condescending bosses who don’t value my input and who are unable to balance out the good I do from the bad that I do. No matter what happens, no matter the severities, the bad always seem to out-weight the good. This on top of a favoritism issue that is out of my control has lead me to consider a change in employers. The reason I brought this up is because given the information, I should be excited and looking forward for a new opportunity. Did it play out that way in my head? Not without a lot of convincing and talks with my friends. Worst case scenario, I get hired and things somehow end up the way they are at my current gig. Most comfortable situation is I stay at my job and continue to endure the disrespect from my boss and let some punk take my hours that I’ve worked a long time to gain.

Some people may be better at hiding fear on their face, but that doesn’t mean their actions reflect what’s on their face. I like to think that I am a good example of this. I might not show fear in my face, but my actions and inner thoughts tell a different story. From relationships to employers, the new can be paralyzing.

Just the other day I mentioned my employment situation to an older friend of mine. I think he said it well when he said that success is just out of reach. Not in a, you’re never going to succeed kind of context, just that you have to travel into unfamiliar territory to get what you want. I think he used the term, “reach.”

Maybe all of these thoughts of the beginning of a reach for me. The same way our muscles feel a strain when we stretch a part of our body we haven’t in a long time, so does the mental psyche. I’m twenty four now and I have got to get over being a pushover when it comes to trying new things. My life has been a series of jumps inside and outside my comfort zone bubble. The willing opportunities like employment and relationships tend to take a little longer to jump to and from. What is most important is recognizing the problem to have a better understanding and to find a solution to the issue. Change is necessary and like exercise, reflects who you are as a human being.

-dfj

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