When all was said and done, I stepped back to reflect on the decision I had just made and concluded that this should come as no surprise.
I’ve done it again. I’ve pushed someone away after getting too close to me. I had higher hopes for this past experience, but in the end I goofed up, got cold & anxious, & put a stop to things before they had a chance to begin. I can’t say that all of it was bad. There was a point when I was stoked about the possible outcomes of dating. There is something about falling into the embrace of another person that is both soothing and terrifying. Most of us want a companion if only to take some of the lonliness away. I was one of these people. Once I had realized the lonliness had been kept away for an extended amount of time, I got happy. I still get happy at that thought. However with that feeling, other familiar feelings of relationships’ past arise and spark my imagination to wonder, “What if?” I tried to act like this wasn’t that big of a deal to me. I never wanted to talk about it since I know that would have introduced a lack of confidence and could be a sign that I want to abandon ship. Not talking about it didn’t seem to work in containing the issue. The same outcome was the result. That old familiar feeling of foreshadowing from experience is crippling.
I’m a decent human being. For the most part I like to think I have my head screwed on straight. After being with the same person for five and a half years I also know I have what it takes to be that ideal guy that most girls want. I can compromise, I can cater to the needs of others, I can be helpful and chivalrous. At this point in my life when I notice that I have to alter what I do to fit the traditional courting checklist, (being more formal, paying for more things, driving everywhere, and having to endure teasing in an intimate setting) I see these as red flags and have little endurance for this kind of dance. I realize the idea of a fairytale ending of being with a prince charming can lead to a romantic (and increasingly distorted) expectation. I’m just sick and tired of always being that good guy.
Why does it seem like everyone wants a life-long soul mate at this time in their lives? Why do we as a society want to get our careers so early in life so we can retire at a young age and presume we will change the way we’ve lived our lives into this completely different person in our retirement? Just the other day I heard someone say that nothing is sexier than a man in a fine suit. This is coming from someone who hasn’t seen the second half of their twenties yet. When did our standards jump up a decade into the suburbia lifestyle? I’m not saying that all of these sophisticated things are not appealing, I just don’t see why they’re appealing right now amongst twenty-somethings.
Mind you this last relationship/ fling wasn’t like that at all. I happen to notice a few difference I had foreseen growing into bigger problems I didn’t want to deal with now or later. Our progression was steady and while no specific language was used to suggest things were getting serious, I perceived certain body language, conversations, and habits could easily lead to another long term relationship.
Do I feel that I am not equipped to handle this? No. Am I willing and able to jump back into something I may be prepared for? No. Being with someone for five years has emotionally exhausted me into any signs that may look like another long term relationship. Maybe this is why I get anxious when things like this come up. It’s not that I see myself as a shallow person. I know we have flaws. Hell, I could go on and on about my flaws. I guess we all have things that seem to both appeal to us and push us away more than others, even if it is somebody who’s wardrobe primarily consists of suits and button-up dress shirts.
In conclusion, I’ve done what I do best and pushed someone away that seems to care about me. Another, “It’s not you it’s me” situation. Sorry for having this emotional anxiety but I would rather be alone than to be in the arms of someone else right now.