No direct theme today. More of a collective of thoughts, experiences and discoveries.
When I was in a long term relationship, I had developed a few skills that came with being with someone for longer than the duration of a high school education. I was (and still am) able to talk to myself from not only my own perspective but from her’s as well. She doesn’t need to be physically there in order to have an opinion on my thoughts (which would explain why the little voice of reason in my head sounds like an old Jewish woman.) I was able to bridge which parent she got certain traits or made certain noises from. This is a fun game to play at home. If you pay enough attention you can pick out who a person idolizes, who they strive to become, and the type of person they tend to date. That being said I too catch myself exhibiting traits that are unmistakably a direct lineage from one of my parents. Phrases like, “Oh, I sound/ am acting so much like my dad right now” and “So this is why I handle things in this way” have been said time and time again in the recent weeks.
Last week Mama and I hung out at the Santa Monica Pier for their twilight concert series. It was less of a traditional concert going experience and more of an opportunity to catch up with some peaceful background music. We talked about things we cared about, concerns, and things that we were bothered by. It was then that we both realized that we are both introverts that don’t like crowds or hugs. Once we arrived to the pier & saw the crowds both near the stage and the sand, we both came to the conclusion that the most comfortable spot would be a comfortable fifty feet from the nearest human without saying a word. She proceeded to explain this personal space boundary was non-existent when she wasn’t sober. The drinking made her a more social person, and now that she doesn’t drink, she feels uncomfortable in lovey-dovey situations where people greet one another with hugs and kisses, (“So this is why I handle things that way.”)
Had it not been for the whiskey I had last night before strolling the streets of downtown Los Angeles, I would have become claustrophobic at being so close to so many people at one time. The scents were enough to deter someone from getting into too dense of a crowd, let alone the close proximity anxiety I tend to get. As much as I enjoy getting to know someone when I’m more sociable (when I’m drinking) I favor sobriety over that benefit. At the same time there is that whole idea of poisoning yourself by consuming a substance the human body isn’t meant to digest. Can’t say that makes much sense to me or that I care to relish in that.
This whole idea of altering your normal state of mind to behave in a way that you (may think) or others want you to act seems illogical to me. I remember playing guitar in high school and coming across those who said that they’ve always wanted to learn. Me being the logical person, I wanted to share the experience by teaching, to which I found that that person was only blowing smoke. People say they want to do things like learn to play an instrument, a new language, to lose weight, or manage their money better. I have learned to take this for what it’s worth at a very basic level, just words. People can talk for hours and hours about their plans but spend a fraction of that time pursuing said plans. While I am no trained psychologist, from my personal experiences, I have concluded that these people genuinely do not want to change. They would rather talk about change instead. Its concepts like these that have me questioning the efforts people take to try and motivate one another. I’ve tried to get people to do things they say they want to do. Maybe I’m not the right type of person cut out for this (which would explain my dislike for the field of marketing.) If I want to do something, there is a good chance I need little to no motivation to do said thing. The concept of getting people to do things they don’t want to do will be a foreign idea for me for a long time, just like traffic in Los Angeles. Makes me question telling people my plans in the first place.
I can see how what I write about may come off as me being a shut-in that doesn’t enjoy the “fun” things in life, but I would disagree. I see it as a more mindful approach to one’s actions. this resonates well and further justifies my existence. Maybe it’s my parent’s traits along with the minimal touching that is involved with cycling that has caused these inner feelings to solidify into who I am today. Whatever the reason, they feel right and they’re here to stay. Now to nurse this hangover so I can get motivated to get on my bike some time tonight.