If taking yoga has taught me anything (other than I need to stretch my hips and strengthen my shoulders) it’s to seek balance through mindfulness (and breathing.) There are times where we’ll be in a difficult pose and we are encouraged to deal with it in hopes to improve ourselves through listening on the inside rather than ignoring what our bodies are telling us. I thought cycling prepared me for living and dealing with the pains that come across from riding. Yoga takes that to another level.
People have asked how I’ve been doing lately. There is some hesitation when I respond. Usually an, “I’m alright,” or an “I’m doing well” comes out. The truth is I’m not so convinced that things are going the way I describe to others. In an attempt to regain once lost balance through yoga I am discovering more imbalances that are going on in my life. Things like education, employment, and social interactions are parts of my life that require some attention.
I’ve convinced myself that I am in a good place in my life as far as the above mentioned topics go, that being said I am finding it increasingly difficult to justify those same arguments I have been telling myself all this time. There is still an emptiness that is becoming more and more unavoidable when talking about educational/ career goals. Perhaps it is because I am finding the health field less of a desirable job to strive for. My heart has never been in a particular job title. After having taken some time outside of the school setting, I am questioning my decisions more and more. This along with work cracking down on my usual overnight light-sleep routine, I have innately drifted away from a complacency at this same job. The private sector can be an unforgiving and emotionally damaging setting. I’ve never had figuratively thick skin when it comes to criticisms and concerns, and new policies have stirred up some apathy within. I might sacrifice my current wage and free time for another gig that could bring more balance in my life. The same goes for the school setting.
As much as I enjoy learning about the way the body works and most things related to science, I cannot seem to decide on a career path that sweeps me off my feet. All it took was one rejection letter from the only nursing program I applied to to make me reconsider my career choice entirely. This along with my delay to go back to school is a red flag to seek further balance in another direction. I can remember a time where I wanted to pursuit a career in the arts. Whether it be graphic design or music related. Now when I see others doing that same job I at once point was convinced I was good at (but at the same time didn’t see a realistic future in) I wonder why I threw that away. The good news is I have discovered a knack for listening and sharing my thoughts on topics that interest me through writing. Some people share their perspectives on things through music, film, acting, painting, and others (myself included) find it most satisfying through writing. I’ve mentioned before that I am in no rush to make a six-figure salary, (if I did, I would have become an accountant.) If I had to summarize what I’m doing with my life at the moment, it would be to find balance both physical and mental.
While trying to get back into the swing of things, I am coming across a lot of troubled areas. Areas like motivation to shift back into a spontaneous and impulsive attitude that had many benefits and opened up a lot of opportunities for me. Like my job habits, I have grown complacent in my routine and (here’s the scariest part) see myself turning into my father. A ritualistic cog in a soul-sucking machine that leads to an accelerated decline in health, and mental flexibility. This is one of the most terrifying thoughts I can think of. Turning into a goddam sheep, doing the same things over and over, and convincing myself that the life I’m living is a good one when I know deep down inside I’m becoming a more narrow human being. Never wanting to travel outside of the comfort bubble. This is a strong urge to fight. Once a stream of success arises, I (and my family) tend to hit the brakes on progress and settle for this temporary happiness that we cannot see past. It’s an ugly habit that I wish was easier to kick. I’ve turned down relationships that have appeared too radical for my once versatile life.
Now that the self loathing is out of the way, the unmistakably rewarding feeling that comes from sharing a part of yourself immediately follows. This has been festering up for some time, and since I don’t get out much, I have found it challenging to decompress and unwind my thoughts and future plans. Whether or not anybody reads this, I already find a sense of comfort in self-expression as I wrap things up.
Work might be a real pain for the next few weeks. School might be challenging and discouraging since I’ll be starting from the beginning in a different career path. Yoga is going to continue to hurt, and I will still be one of the only people sweating in the class, but when all is said and done, a balance is what is achieved.