I have felt the urge to write about new and positive things going on in my life. Now, that moment has come and gone like a train with an unforgiving conductor. I was going to mention how the story of striving to become great that, “Whiplash” tells has triggered some feelings in me to one day become great on the bike. I wanted to give a more detailed report on how my race went yesterday (10th out of 49 and on zero hours of sleep) but the growing feeling of becoming jaded and less positive has shown its face and entered my stream of consciousness.
To make a long story short, recent changes at work have altered my normal late-night routine into something a lot more challenging on a mental and emotional level. I used to have neutral feelings when it came to my job duties. I show up at a later hour, end up finishing my work early the next morning, try and get a few winks of sleep, then go about my day after work. Now I barely have the time and energy to get back on the bike. Perhaps this is what’s stirring up all these jaded emotions. I’ve got yoga right now, and that has been beneficial in many ways (I get to hang around very attractive and esteemed men and women and I get to become stronger and flexible without gaining much mass.)
My eating habits have changed in that I eat less now. Sleep comes and goes. I can sleep on cue as it stands. By the time I feel balanced and ready to pursuit my day, I am behind schedule. Leave it to a job that isolates and ends up being me just passing the time (watching movies about life in prison ironically) and waiting for the sun to come up (or the phone to ring. Whichever comes first.) Sometimes I long for a regular scheduled job. In thinking about such a change, I am drifting further from the thought of the medical field being a desirable career.
The truth is I found a way to turn my current job into a physically low demanding office job that allowed me to sleep when the opportunity came up. Now that things are changing, I am finding the adaption process more than I may be willing to bare in the future. As it stands now, there isn’t a job or set of skills I would be able to fall back on if things took a turn for the worst. I am reminded of the Social Distortion song that says, “I had no training, no experience to think of.” This is a big factor in what keeps me coming back to work. Not only is my experience and training level limited, but my career goals are as hazy as LA fog.
A combination of unknown career goals with a job that isolates you from the general public, and a strong introversion leads to inevitable lonliness that comes and goals in large doses, but does not go away. Going back to the above mentioned song, one of the finals lines before the final chorus could never be spoken in a mundane but genuine way. The line that goes, “Thinkin’ bout’ what you’re doing now, and when you’re coming back” never fails to get me choked up inside. The character in which I am referring to is a transparent being that comes and goes in my life that I just cant seem to shake. The painful realization that comes with considering that things may never work out really puts my self esteem and motivation at an all time low. There are very few things that I care about, and even less come to mind once the lonliness has set in this deep. I find an ongoing struggle between feeling uncomfortable in groups, and being completely isolated from the tangible world.
So I’m currently not enjoying my job as much as I used to. Loneliness is setting in, and my plan to get out of this slum is in a stage of infancy with a weak desire to grow. There aren’t many things working out for me in the long haul of things. Not much except the cycling opportunities. A chance to see the world and live a life I might one day enjoy. A life of being great. My current situation leaves me to a very intimate relationship with my bike and all things involving two wheels. It is something I still wish to pursuit. I know this because I am sitting at home in the middle of the afternoon crying about a life that isn’t suited for my needs. Time spent off the bike in a normal routine leads to a sad state of mind. A sad state of mind and an ugly and depressed way of life that inevitably follows.
Everything seems to be right when I’m out on the road. No dealing with the stagnant, ritualistic lifestyle of my parents. Not worrying about a job that changes every week and will see little to no big changes in the long term. Not even lonliness creeps into my mind (even when I’m riding solo.) All of these fleeting feelings along with my recent result I got from yesterday’s race are pointing to the idea I wanted to mention before I got down in the dumps (looks like things made their way towards a full circle conclusion.) I have decided that I want to be great as a cyclist. I know in my mind that I have what it takes to do so. A lot of ideas make sense to me when it comes to the learning curve of bike racing. I have struggled with a confidence issue when it comes to competitive racing in the past years. This has inhibited the way I race for a long time. With my home, social, and work life turning into something I want to avoid dwelling on make riding bikes the obvious and organic solution (in that there is a future in riding bikes.)
I might send a few emails out to look for another gig I can balance with cycling. I will continue to train to the best of my abilities and keep striving for greatness on two wheels. Until next time.