It has come to my attention that my justifications for certain behaviors and thoughts (mostly thoughts and feelings) is irrational. As much as I pry myself on backing my decision making up by as rational a thought I can conceive, at this point in time I am unable to right this wrong. The curve ball here is (as you may already notice) I am completely aware of the situation. I know this is happening as we speak, and I continue to let these things take control of my life. I keep telling myself I’m going to ride this out, but nothing seems to be changing. Time for an example.
I am aware that there are people out in the world who care about me. People who care that I exist on this planet. People who are concerned for my physical and mental health, as well as my future. As hard as it is for me to convince myself, I am aware that there are people who I am able to talk to about what is going on in my life, good or bad. It took so much energy to write all of this down even though I’ve been thinking about all this for over a week. With all that said I cannot shake the feeling of emptiness and apathy no matter how hard I try. I normally blame a bad sleep cycle from a rough block at work, but this weekend has shown a different result.
Work has been slow and due to that, I have “caught up” on whatever sleep I haven’t been getting. So why is it that I still sleep most of the day? Anchored by apathy I try and figure out why I have chosen to be indoors, secluded from those around me with what feels like little to no energy. It has nothing to do with the lack of sleep I am not getting. I am still eating clean and trying to get out and ride when my portions lose control. I have a healthy coffee consumption habit that does not affect my ability to sleep. “So then what?” I ask myself.
Picking up the phone to communicate with others has become a chore. If I wasn’t such a recluse I would tell myself that I just need to go out and interact with the world as I once did. Instead this lull shows itself and I am at a mix between sadness, and nothing at all. My esteem is usually on a higher level when I am in my, “wait for something to happen” mood.
With the holidays approaching, this apathetic mood appears amplified. To say this is something new this time of year would be false. Something about the holidays makes me want to get away even more, mood good or bad. Perhaps thats why I’m planning these longer bike rides for my four day chunk of time off work. These stretches of time are like mini vacations to me. They hold so much value that I try and not speak of them for fear that it will degrade their value or lead those who live more stressful lives to attempt to take them away from me to level the emotional playing field. I’ve had bad dreams about this. This and other things that seem to drain my emotions from me.
From negotiations at work meetings where co-workers try and take the few perks I have from my current gig just so I can suffer like everyone else, to the emotional rollercoaster that comes from rekindling an old flame with an ex. My positive feelings are being sucked from me and I am left an empty shell of who I was. This new dream involving my ex has got to be the final straw in us continuing to visit each other. I don’t think I can continue to be intimate with a person whom I’ve held so dearly to that which makes me happy (call it a heart, call it what you will.) I keep telling myself that I have the mental strength to be able to disconnect, but my dreams tell another side of the story. This and the growing anxiety that comes with not knowing whether there will be drastic changes at work due to recently made mistakes or not makes or breaks my night. Those fifteen minutes prior t- oh who am I kidding, every night I have to work these thoughts fill my head until I finally start and realize everything is going to be alright. That I didn’t screw up and we can continue to do our job the same way we have done things for the past few weeks or so.
I am left laying in bed. I try and read and make something of my day, but continue to go back and forth between “Let’s try again tomorrow” and “What are you doing with you life?” These two thoughts on top of everything I have already mentions create a heavy burden on my mood.
While this is something new for me, I still stand by my belief in only wanting to hear advice when I explicitly ask someone else. The last thing I want is a blanket of lectures coming from everyone I know trying to give advice I may not want. Thus lies my conflict. I know more interaction is a good thing, but the introvert in me keeps a well-built wall up preventing such swift behavior. Hell, I still can’t decide if I want to join my mother in surrounding myself with a bunch of strangers for Christmas dinner.
The holidays are a bad time for me. A bunch of people who you wouldn’t normally see at any other time of the year creating synthetic empathy just because it has been a tradition in our society to do so as long as we can remember. Throw in the gift giving process that requires no justification whatsoever. I still can wrap my head around this. I thought end of the year gifts were earned. Now we just ask what the other person wants and the burden of justification is passed on to the person giving the gift. What a cruel sentiment.
I’ve got to get away, get away from the population for a while. Until next time….