And so it goes….
A text message I received this morning revealed my ex still would like to keep in contact. This may seem like a sincere gesture but came across as anything but. Who would have though such a simple thing like typed word on a phone could bring out so much emotion in a person. From , surprise, to disappointment, to panic, to frustration, to sadness. It seems like not too long ago I was having trouble feeling anything at all. Now I wish I could turn it all down.
There has been a big chunk of time since we last spoke. And in all honesty, this has been good for me. It allowed me time to get my head straight, to discuss the conditions amongst close friends, and progressed the healing process. I’m no longer in a hurry to jump back into something like what was once had. I have other things occupying my attention that I feel must be important at this point in time. To summarize, I had begun moving on.
While the memory has not been completely abandoned, not enough time alone has gone by for things to completely heal over. Relationships make the two parties so vulnerable and fragile, almost like an open wound, that when we have assessed the damage it has done we want to do everything in our power to get back to that homeostatic state. Much like watching a collision of any sort about to happen, you wish that what is going to happen does not with all your might. However no matter how hard you try and correct an issue through thought, there are some things that are well out of your hands.
I hope you can tell that I do not wish to start this epilogue again. Not because we ended things on bad terms or because she was a bad person. Quite the contrary. It is because I had exposed so much of myself to this person, that bringing up those past memories leads to an uncomfortable situation. Much like being in a room full of treasures but being unable to take any for yourself. To deepen the blow even more. All the treasures mentioned were once yours! If this does not describe an agonizing pain then I fail to see what does in life.
This leads me to question why. Why do you choose to make your presence know at this point in time? What do you want from me? Do you know all of the emotional scar tissue you are causing? Is it possible for us to get on with our lives separately?
I’ve often had reoccurring bad dreams in which I push those I care about aside ( the common victim has been my mother.) Which usually leads to waking up to a tear-soaked pillow, and a rough start to the day. If I can’t handle this subconsciously, how am I supposed to be able to handle this in reality? Knowing that this must be done brings me to tears. To push those you care about away from you because being with them does more harm than good is so difficult. So difficult to keep composure. So hard to not have this interaction cut right to the core of me. I was doing so well. Why must I care about a past relationship so much that it pains me to continue to even think about ongoing interactions.
I have no clue what I’m supposed to do in a situation like this. I wish I could cut this part right out of me. Deep breaths. Deep breaths will help.