Painfully Aware

What an exciting time to be alive

A mantra I would have never guessed would have played in a substantial role in my life, now more than ever. It is a safe bet to say that if you were to go back on my life in three month increments, there is a good chance you would come across a different person you see today. Like an emerging artist who is attempting to hone their craft, there are common themes, but the other 80% of what is going on socially, emotionally, physically, psychologically is attempting to be reconstructed (much like the World Fair at the turn of the nineteenth century in Chicago.) Things I thought would stand the test of time and hold up through out my life have left me disappointingly mistaken and shaped as a result. Alas, this new three month period (May to July 2016) have undergone a series of ideas that have stuck around longer than most. A combination of more informed decisions along with a painful awareness of my surroundings have left me feeling more and more comfortable in my skin (I feel happy more now than ever and it’s freaking me out!)

More informed decisions

Being in constant thought has lead me to the world of skepticism and the logic and evidence-based choices that have provided a foundation for existence in all fields. Balancing out the neurosis and anxiety quite nicely. If I am able to conceptualize a step by step process as to why something is the way it is, there is a good chance I will agree and adopt that aspect into my life in some way, shape or form. At the same time, I have to keep from being consumed in this way of though because like most social constructs, they are emotionally and physically exhausting.

All this is to say that I am finding things I like (mostly things I do not) and holding them to this same skeptic standard which has resulted in a prolonged part of my life and isn’t some strange, short-lived fad I end up being embarrassed I thought this was something I identified with (insert bad bands, hairstyle, fashion sense, and long term goals.) Discovering more and more things I identify with under this lens has become beneficial in many ways. I am able to make up my mind as to why I agree or disagree with whatever the subject, and develop my own personal, philosophical narrative.

Painfully aware

This one has been more of a roller coaster ride than the above mentioned realization. I catch myself going on and on explaining my thought process to others and while there is a lot to learn (both from whomever wants to listen and to myself personally) I cannot remember a time when I have done this in a previous part of my life. When did I talk so damn much? Why am I talking so damn much? What is the meaning behind all of this? Still haven’t figured out an answer for any of these questions. But if you’re lucky and I’m feeling particularly chatty (usually after a few drinks) you might be able to see this inner monologue in real time and not just in concentrated written thought. One question I have probably expanded on the most is the last one of the three. Trying to figure out the bigger, existential meaning to justify my actions. Here’s where things can get dark.

So I’ve got the informed decisions going for me. That’s all fine and well. This has manifested itself into this happy-go-lucky, yet nihilistic approach to life. Despite my best efforts, I continue to identify with the darker, neurotic, melancholic parts of my life. This still make sense to me and it ties perfectly with this increased mindfulness (watching me bring this all together.) What happens time and time again is I catch myself making an observation of some type, things might take a darker note, but as soon as the topic is brought up much like the air that enters your lungs, my obsessive clinging to reservations is harder and harder to do. Perhaps this is where the apathetic nihilism comes in to play.

I am getting the hang of things I like (bikes, coffee, blah blah blah) I still want to explore a space in which most people immediately want to register as good or bad, but choose not to participate in the final step. This is how I communicate. I might speak as though I have some opinion on a topic (and I might) but 90% of the time I value the conversation higher than the judgement at the end. Let me observe and philosophize about all the topics under the sun. I might not be that emotionally invested in it personally (sorry Pokemon Go fans. This takes a step too far back into a point of my life I do not want to relive and want to keep at bay when it was still pleasant.) but still want to discuss how important it is to the other person. This brings me to a new level of understanding that I want to continue to do and stay away from nostalgia as much as possible.

In summary, I’m realizing my interests change and while it’s terrifying and confusing, I will continue to push this mental boulder up a hill to explore that space and gain some insight.

until next time….

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