Confession Time

Confession time….

I am normally the type that would play the ‘stop me if you’ve heard this before’ type. That being said, I know one person out there reading this has heard this before. Call it a tired narrative. We all know someone or know a story of our own that we could trade tit for tat. No, it is not some vegan recipe for baked goods or a new way to lose weight. This has a darker, but all too common structure.

When we as humans on Earth consider the things that bring us happiness, on a chemical level, we all for the most part have gone through similar experiences. If you have enjoyed a single meal in your lifetime, you have felt the effects of multiple chemicals (Serotonin, Dopamine, Endorphin.) The same of which that are found in many recreational drugs. For those of us that have explored this avenue of life, we have probably experienced these hormones to the level of extreme highs and/or lows. Either direction can be harmful and is not the point I wish to make. I know people and am among the group that is dealing with the effects of compulsively seeking this chemical reaction whether it be through drugs, cycling, or a meal. I am no stranger to chasing a high and the ups and downs that come with doing so. Been living with it for a long time and while some part of it is hereditary, the topic of blame and fault is irrelevant.

So if it is not a matter of blame, storytelling, or how many times we can use the, “A” word in front of an audience in hopes to feel better about ourselves, why bring it up? What’s the point of it all?

The point I would like to stress is until we are unable to see things for what they really are, we will continue to have a distorted view of the world, which can be good for some but bad for others. Recent literature has me asking simple questions that often do not cross my mind when in the heat of the chase. Reaching a point where I have already made the decision that I will no longer be continuing in a type of behavior for the original purpose I began. Often times when this happens, the new reason for over-consumption is usually on a primal, chemical-based reason. I have enjoyed this certain state of mind so much that I am willing to ignore other signs to stop and will continue doing this until I reach a point of no return and will eventually fatigue, then begin to feel the aftereffects of said decisions. A leads to B. B leads to C. C eventually leads back to A, and the cycle usually repeats itself.

Looking in from the outside it is easy to spot the lack of logic behind this routine. And I am not here to say that this type of behavior should not be allowed by anybody. If this lifestyle works for you, more the power to you. For those who are personally affected in a negative way and the results of our actions cause us any type of long-term stress, consider looking at things bigger picture in hopes to correct the behavior. A lot of reflection has been asked of myself. Often times I have even stated (either internally or externally) that I know I am making a bad move, but will continue to do so for reasons unknown. I guess what I am getting as is that I’m finally getting fed up.

Previous indulgences don’t hit me the same as they used to. Tolerances have been built and that chase doesn’t seem worth it to me. No longer do I want to be involved in the rat race of pursuing an abundance of chemicals that result in this mind altering state. This no longer is of interest to me and I am attempting to go about this in my own way (don’t take this as an opportunity to make my thoughts and experiences about you. Stay in your lane and keep your unsolicited advice to yourself. Receive my words, be like a wall and absorb what I have to say.)

Correction, I no longer wish to achieve these chemical abundances by previous methods of indulgence. I am seeking new ways to find similar types of highs, through methods that I approve of in my current day and age. I know I have left specific examples out of this entire post, frankly because I feel that is not the point. I know the methods of my past, and want new ways to get to that state of mind. Some new ways are beginning to hit in a beneficial way, some of which I didn’t think were for me, but can say they work. I’ve been doing a lot of scrapping of behavior. Been cleaning out a lot of baggage both mentally and physically. Trying to trade some old for some new. It has been a longer and more challenging process than expected. I see it more of a game nowadays that usually has some type of feedback I long for.

With all of this being said, I’ll say that the more I want to change my ways, the more I am able to realize what matters to me. It is an unquestionable feeling of certainty (the feedback) that has me wanting to explore more and more within. All while remaining flexible enough to change ones point of view at any given point in time once conditions are best fitting, makes life all the more enjoyable. It is good to gain more insight than previously, but to gain insight, expand on it, all while being able to swap out one previous idea for another all without letting this foundation crumble is an empowering moment in our lives. Many kicks have been gotten from this pursuit and I hope more will come. Until next time….



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